god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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