mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"