do you believe in love at first sight?
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
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He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
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your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.