He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
