Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
