I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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