is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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