Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize