Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
