You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
