i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
