I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
