Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
