I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
