i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
