Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
