just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
