Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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