my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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