I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
