I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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