I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
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I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
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I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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