Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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