I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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