Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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