Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
