I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
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My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
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Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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