I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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