Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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