she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
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