come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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