You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
