Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
