false alarm. still invincible.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
