anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
