When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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