I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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