just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
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If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
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So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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