I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
