Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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