So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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