Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
