so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
