i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
