New low: just hacked my moms facebook
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
