Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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