Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
