DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
