Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
