PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
