You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
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I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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