so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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