you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
