I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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